he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
