i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
