I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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