she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
