I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
