it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize