Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
