my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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