Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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