that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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