Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
