I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
