we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
