Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
