I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
