my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
His nipple licking is glorious
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