Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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