I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
