I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
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