I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
