There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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