omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
