Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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