You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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