I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
