There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Someone signed my nipple.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
