remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
