Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
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