Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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