Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
