i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
