Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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