my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
