If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
