Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
