he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
