I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
