I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
