My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
