He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
