I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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