What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
