i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
