went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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