Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
