My room smells like vodka and shame
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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