I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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