I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
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