I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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