He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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