I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Randomize
