there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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