So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
