Sober January is a disaster.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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