he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
