too bad you live with your parents still
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
