dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
