have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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