my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
