Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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