the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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